New Leaf

Well this week things will change. Ryan starts working with me- we shall see how that goes. Jordyn has a new sitter- so far we really like her. It will be a week full of getting up at 3:30 am to get out the door by 4:30- drop Jordyn off by 5:00 and be at work by 5:30. Yeah, its gonna be rough, but at least we wont have to feel like charity cases anymore. If Ryan can stick with it, which I know he CAN, we will be able to regain some control over our finances and possibly our lives. Not that either of us plan to work there for long, just until another opportunity presents itself. We meet tomorrow with our possible new landlord for a house in Boise. Things seem to be looking up. Finally.

Will this end soon??

I'm in my 3rd month of work at a job I hate. I am grateful to have it, but pretty much everyday I get there and pray that there will be mandatory time off. Even if I have to starve because of the lack of a paycheck it will bring. I actually envy the guy that cleans the bathrooms- wishing I could trade him positions. Here's the thing.... I hate phones, I don't really talk on mine and now I spend 40+ hours a week on one talking to people who are mad at me for something I didn't have anything to do with in the first place. It is really not the job for me. I am still looking for a better option- but it has not presented itself as of yet. Hubby is still home with the baby- he would rather work, and yet it is the opposite reality. I would just like this drab cycle to change and get us back to how it used to be when we didn't rely on everyone who loves us to get us through.
Jordyn is walking now, and we are excited about her first official Halloween as a kid. Although we are too poor to get her a costume. So far I think I will just put her in her Halloween jammies and bundle her up real good and call it good enough. I really want to take her to a pumpkin patch and get some photos too. I suppose you can go to a patch without actually buying a pumpkin right??? It is ridiculous when you can't afford to buy a freakin pumpkin for Halloween. I am just frustrated at the situation, and I want to provide better for my family. I have numerous family members who have helped us out tremendously with getting Jordyn clothes and coats and toys and more.... and I appreciate it so much, since I am not able to. In a sense I feel like I am failing her as a mother, but I know this will not last forever. Something has got to give sooner or later.

My baby's first Harley

Big Steps for the Little Lady

This week has been a busy one for miss Jordyn. She has begun to cut her first tooth, she has started to suck on a sippy cup and can drink water ( which is huge for us), and last but certainly not least, she began to army crawl yesterday. She still amazes me every day. She is such a bright light in this world that has seemed so unyielding and cruel as of lately. I am so fortunate that I have her and I am grateful for her everyday.

I've decided I am a Senior Citizen

I have been falling apart lately, and I don't think it is all that sudden. I frequently find myself talking to friends who are telling me stories of our past, of which I have to ask if they are sure that it was "me" in the story with them because I have zero recollection of said event. I forget what I did the day before, a week ago, hell, sometimes 5 minutes ago. It is embarrassing at times. I have developed this habit of sleeping anywhere from 12-13 hours a night, sometimes more.. and yes, I do this with a 6 and 1/2 month old infant.. I'm not sure how it works, but I think she got my genes because she joins me. We go to bed early, most of the time, say 9:00 and get up usually around 10am. Pathetic I know. I haven't worked in a year or so, but somehow I am exhausted. On top of that, I somehow injured my back about 2 weeks ago and have been hobbling around like a little old lady ever since. I have to steady myself to stand up, and sometimes grab walls while walking so as to not fall over completely. Some night I dose up on Vicodin, other nights I just try to ignore it for the sake of not polluting my milk for the wee one. I finally got a massage today and my masseuse told me that she could see a huge swollen section on my lower back and she didn't even have to ask where the pain was, it was that obvious. I am afraid of what shape mentally and physically I will be in when I am a "senior" if this is as good as it gets now. Perhaps I should take up daily stretching, exercise, brain games, and B vitamins.

She's too cute

I seem to post about Jordyn alot, but she is too adorable! Yes I am biased. I am just so thankful that through everything negative in the world and life in general that I have such a bright ray of sunshine everyday. I love my daughter!

We are living the American Nighmare

As most know, I lost my job last year, 2 days after returning from my honeymoon. 4 months pregnant at the time, it was impossible to find a job. I had my daughter Jordyn on the 27th of October and have been staying at home with her, while collecting unemployment and looking for a job. Since I've been unemployed the economy as everyone knows, took a huge DUMP. As of last Wednesday my husband lost his job too. So now we have a household with no employment. My unemployment runs out in a few weeks and we are terrified of what is going to happen to our family. I guess if we end up living out of our vehicles, at least the weather is getting warmer. We are both frantically looking for jobs, and trying to find out if we can afford our rent, and not our bills, and ruin my credit- or what to do. I am positive that we are not the only family in this boat at the moment, but it is so scary.

Goals

There is a school of thought that says in order to accomplish your goals, you must write them down. So here are a few of mine:
1.) Finish my B.A.
2.) Purchase a home
3.) Lose 15 lbs
4.) Learn to play my guitar well
5.) Spend more time with friends

Just like Heaven

You
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream
daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
and moving lips to breathe his name
I opened my eyes
and found myself alone,
alone.
alone above a raging sea
that stole the only man I loved
and drowned him deep inside of me
you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
just like heaven

Lindsey Cummins

Dreams

When you get tired of the world and how it seems,
just slip away into your dreams.
For its a position where nothing is real,
All in your mind, in dreams you will feel.
This is a place where your fantasies come true,
and where the main character is always you.
Sometimes our dreams scare us away,
othertimes they leave us happy all day.
So next time you go to fall fast asleep,
Remember when you close your eyes,
You are entering a world,
of nothing but lies.
-Lyncea

New Guitar

When I was a teenager I tried playing several instruments, the clarinet, the flute, the trumpet, the saxophone, the piano, and the guitar. I made a four year commitment to piano, against my wishes, and could play decently at the end of it. I bought an electric guitar when I was 15 and attempted to learn. I took lessons, but they were a waste of money, because all I could think about during them was how "hot" my teacher was, so that didn't' get me very far. I had some friends who played and were quite good. Those "natural talent" people. They tested their patience with me and taught me at least a couple of tabs. I had ambitions at one point to start a band, but I think I would have been better suited for a singer than the lead guitar, never the less, that never happened either. I ended up pawning my guitar when I was 19. I pawned the guitar, the amp, and the distortion pedal for a whopping $125.00. A decision I have regretted ever since. So, I purchased a new- used acoustic guitar. I have been fiddling with it and have decided that perhaps the reason that I sucked so bad before was that I am left handed and was playing right handed. At least that is one of my theories. So I have restrung it upside down, since that is how I operate, and I am planning on really trying to learn something this time. I have always envied those people who can just grab a guitar and play, especially those who can sing along to their playing. My goal is to become one of them.

Jordyn

I could never envision myself as a mother. Over the years I have watched all of my friends have kids. I always thought I would have children, not because I could see myself as a mom, but just because that is what you do in life. You are a kid, you become a teenager, you fall in love, you get married, and then you have children, and eventually become a grandparent and then you die..... right? When I became pregnant I immediately felt something change within me. I became addicted to discovering all that I could about this little person growing inside of me, with everything I did, I thought of how this might affect my baby. It is so strange to go from being just yourself, to being another persons whole life line supplier. As my pregnancy drew towards the end, I just couldn't quite imagine bringing home a baby. I had gotten so used to my pregnant self, which I loved, but the idea of having her out in the world just seemed like something that wasn't' going to happen. I mean, I had the room all together, had bought outfits, had "nested" but I just didn't see myself as a mom. Now that my daughter is here, I can't hardly imagine what I did before her. It is like she has made me a more complete person. I am obsessed with her, morning, noon, and night. I love her, and without even thinking about it, love being a mom. I now understand what my friends and own mother have been telling me about how you get so in love with your baby. And how it is different when it is your own. Every little movement and noise that she makes is just the most miraculous thing I have ever witnessed. I have told my husband two distinct things: 1.) That she is better than cheesecake. (which is saying a lot) and 2.) That she is my most favorite thing that has happened in my whole life. It is amazing that I can honestly say 2. I think that if you were to ask a lot of people their favorite thing in their whole life, they might have to hesitate and think about it for a while, I know a few months ago I would have, but now I have mine- and she's hungry so I guess this love fest blog must come to an end.

Memories of Past

Even though I try

I cant’ let go

Something in your eyes

Captured my soul.

And every night I

Think of what I’ve done

If I had only known

You were the one.

And every time I look into the mirror

I see myself without you there

And my lonely heart sheds tears.

Together we used to be.

Until you said that you loved me

I pushed you away

And didn’t’ care

But now I return it

To a heart that no longer cares.

If I could turn back time

If I could find a way

I’d take back all the words

That would hurt you

And you’d stay.

If I could reach the stars

I’d give them all to you

And you’d love me

Like you used to.

You’re unforgettable and

Imprinted upon my heart

Just having you near

Takes me back to my memories of you

The touch of your lips

The smooth of your skin,

The smiles of pure joy,

The uncertainty of the unknown

Undone,

The firsts,

The lasts,

How good it felt to hold you,

The back of your car,

The poetry you once wrote,

Dreams and floorplans of the future,

Holding your hand in mine

The dances,

The overnighters

Movies,

And clifftop plateaus

The flowers you gave me,

The ones I didn’t’ take,

Hikes, and swims,

You holding me in the pool,

Working out,

And wrestling,

The breaking of tools,

The concerts,

The haircuts,

And everything in between,

Its hard to know just what you have,

Until its no longer there

And you’re left with memories,

And a bag full of his hair.

I’d give anything to have

You willingly mine,

Because its only a matter of time,

Until our childhood crumbles away.

Long forgotten playground days,

Another life,

Another time,

Another memory of what was once

You and I.

Slowly fading to the back of your mind,

Until one day,’

You are blind.

I must have lucky stars

I have decided that I must have lucky stars. My daughter has been nothing but a blessing from the moment I knew that she existed. I had a great pregnancy, no nausea, heartburn, no issues what-so-ever. I thought at the time that since my pregnancy was so easy and great that I would get mine when this baby arrived and kept me up all night with colic or whatever it might be. Wrong. Since the day she was born she has been a good sleeper. She began life sleeping in about 4 hour blocks throughout the night, waking only to eat. By about 2 weeks old she was sleeping about 6 hours at a time, waking only to feed. Now at 11weeks she is sleeping between 10-11 hours straight through the night. It kinda freaked me out at first, but now I am used to it and have enjoyed the uninterrupted sleep with my new baby. I almost feel guilty about it. I attend these new mom groups and breastfeeding groups and I hear all of these new moms and their complaints about their babies not eating right, or having acid reflux, or colic, or just not sleeping. I feel so bad for those moms. Their stories are much more of what I expected life to be with my first baby- but apparently I am just lucky. I like to think that Ryan and I had a part to play in how our baby behaves, but I'm sure I would be wrong. I am so blessed to have a happy, healthy baby.

Where am I going?

Sometimes I ask myself this question. I know my husband asks it of himself all the time. I graduated high school in 2000. I immediately began college at BSU. I told all of my friends, or rather preached to them that if they didn't attend college right away then they probably never would. I was a big pusher of education. I went for 4 years. Not full time all those years though, and it seemed the longer I was there, the less I cared. I went from taking a full load of classes, down to only 2 a semester, only one of which I would focus my attention on and pass. Needless to say after a few semesters of that, I lost my financial aid and consequently stopped attending. It has been 5 years since I stopped going to school. Every year we talk about me going back. I haven't done it yet mostly because I have to come up with the cash to get back in.... which is expensive and I can't afford. But now I have a daughter too. Ryan wants to go to either linemans college or helicopter school but he is our main breadwinner and cant afford not to work in order to go to school. I just wonder if we will ever figure out how to get one of us a degree of some sort so we will have a financial future for our family. The alternative looks like working the rest of our lives just to get by which is pretty bleak.

Last year

2008 was a big year for me personally. It began with a trip to South Dakota with my mom and brother to visit our Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and Cousins for Christmas. I had to leave my fianc'e Ryan home with the dogs, which is a whole other story, but aside from that, it was probably the best Christmas ever. It was so nice to have our whole family together, and unlike most families, there was no fighting, only happiness. Strange I know. The only downer about the trip was that while I was in-flight to get to South Dakota, Ryan was supposed to be moving our stuff from our garage to our new house. Instead of doing that, he decided to take his "moving buddy" and go snowboarding. On the way up the mountain they got hit by a lift operator and his truck. My Jeep got hit in the drivers side wheel well and drivers door. Luckily Ryan and his friend ended up with only minor injuries although our vehicle got totalled. Moving on...

Shortly after I got back from my trip in January, Ryan and I decided that we were entirely too sick of waiting to be married and that we would set the date and figure the rest out (meaning how to pay for it). We decided on May 31st. I was working at the court house at the time and I arranged for one of the Judges to perform the ceremony. Mom and I went and picked out my dress, it only took one store and one night to pick it out. I am a decisive shopper.

The second week or so of February I began to feel like I had a cold. I was going to Accupuncture treatments for my anxiety at the time and I mentioned to my accupuncturist that I hadn't been feeling very well. She asked about my cycle and we discovered that I had missed my period. She tested my pulse and told me that it felt "slippery." Evidently a slippery pulse can mean a few things, pregnancy being one of them. So she sent me home with a couple of pregnancy tests. I took one the following morning and the result of two lines came almost immediatley. There were no instructions with the test so I wasnt' sure of what the result meant. I took a picture of it with my cell phone and sent it via text to my accupuncturist. She wrote back "You dont get anymore pregnant than that! Congrats." I was way excited. Ryan and I had planned to get fertility testing done after we got married but it turned out we didn't have to afterall.

The wedding was beautiful. We got married at Kathryn Albertsons park on the 31st of May. Even my family from South Dakota came to see the ceremony. It was a small wedding but it was just as I had hoped it would be. We had the reception at the Shilo Inn, stayed the night there, and took off for our honeymoon at Twin Springs. We stayed in a cabin, with our 4 dogs, along the North Fork of the Boise River. We had our own natural hot tub on the deck. We took lots of walks and just enjoyed being out of town together.

Two days after we got back I lost my job. My boss was supposed to cover for me while I was gone and failed to do so. Instead of making a scene about it when I got back, I just picked up the pieces and worked my butt off, including staying late, to make sure everything was ready for court the next morning. Apparently this is not what you are supposed to do... they asked me to resign. Who knows. So then I was unemployed and five months pregnant. Guess how easy it is to get another job with a belly that is a ticking time bomb in an economy that has taken a dump? It is not possible. So I hung out at home waiting for my baby to arrive.

On October 27th, 2008 my baby girl Jordyn Renee was born at 12:51 a.m. It was a fast labor. I went to the hospital at 7pm on the 26th, was admitted at 9pm, by 10 I had an epideral and by 12:51 she was born with about 7 pushes. Nice huh? She had to go to the NICU for 4 hours to be monitored since she had merconium in the womb with her and had the cord around her neck. She did great though and I got to feed her for the first time around 4:30 a.m.

Jordyn is a fabulous baby. From the day she came home she has been a good sleeper. I was setting an alarm for every two hours to wake her and feed her during the night for the first two weeks, then I was told that wasn't necessary. She went to sleeping for about 5 hrs at a time and now at 10 weeks old she slept 11hrs straight last night. She is not a fussy baby. She is usually very happy. She loves to take baths. She is beginning to recognize faces, aside from mine too. Her smile is so beautiful, sometimes it makes me cry. Oh those mommy hormones.

Ryan and I never thought that we would see the day when I didnt' work and was a stay at home mom. But with the economy the way it is, that is exactly what I've been doing. I am still upset that I lost my job, but I am overjoyed that I get to spend this precious time with my baby girl.