Just like Heaven

You
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream
daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
and moving lips to breathe his name
I opened my eyes
and found myself alone,
alone.
alone above a raging sea
that stole the only man I loved
and drowned him deep inside of me
you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
just like heaven

Lindsey Cummins

Dreams

When you get tired of the world and how it seems,
just slip away into your dreams.
For its a position where nothing is real,
All in your mind, in dreams you will feel.
This is a place where your fantasies come true,
and where the main character is always you.
Sometimes our dreams scare us away,
othertimes they leave us happy all day.
So next time you go to fall fast asleep,
Remember when you close your eyes,
You are entering a world,
of nothing but lies.
-Lyncea

New Guitar

When I was a teenager I tried playing several instruments, the clarinet, the flute, the trumpet, the saxophone, the piano, and the guitar. I made a four year commitment to piano, against my wishes, and could play decently at the end of it. I bought an electric guitar when I was 15 and attempted to learn. I took lessons, but they were a waste of money, because all I could think about during them was how "hot" my teacher was, so that didn't' get me very far. I had some friends who played and were quite good. Those "natural talent" people. They tested their patience with me and taught me at least a couple of tabs. I had ambitions at one point to start a band, but I think I would have been better suited for a singer than the lead guitar, never the less, that never happened either. I ended up pawning my guitar when I was 19. I pawned the guitar, the amp, and the distortion pedal for a whopping $125.00. A decision I have regretted ever since. So, I purchased a new- used acoustic guitar. I have been fiddling with it and have decided that perhaps the reason that I sucked so bad before was that I am left handed and was playing right handed. At least that is one of my theories. So I have restrung it upside down, since that is how I operate, and I am planning on really trying to learn something this time. I have always envied those people who can just grab a guitar and play, especially those who can sing along to their playing. My goal is to become one of them.

Jordyn

I could never envision myself as a mother. Over the years I have watched all of my friends have kids. I always thought I would have children, not because I could see myself as a mom, but just because that is what you do in life. You are a kid, you become a teenager, you fall in love, you get married, and then you have children, and eventually become a grandparent and then you die..... right? When I became pregnant I immediately felt something change within me. I became addicted to discovering all that I could about this little person growing inside of me, with everything I did, I thought of how this might affect my baby. It is so strange to go from being just yourself, to being another persons whole life line supplier. As my pregnancy drew towards the end, I just couldn't quite imagine bringing home a baby. I had gotten so used to my pregnant self, which I loved, but the idea of having her out in the world just seemed like something that wasn't' going to happen. I mean, I had the room all together, had bought outfits, had "nested" but I just didn't see myself as a mom. Now that my daughter is here, I can't hardly imagine what I did before her. It is like she has made me a more complete person. I am obsessed with her, morning, noon, and night. I love her, and without even thinking about it, love being a mom. I now understand what my friends and own mother have been telling me about how you get so in love with your baby. And how it is different when it is your own. Every little movement and noise that she makes is just the most miraculous thing I have ever witnessed. I have told my husband two distinct things: 1.) That she is better than cheesecake. (which is saying a lot) and 2.) That she is my most favorite thing that has happened in my whole life. It is amazing that I can honestly say 2. I think that if you were to ask a lot of people their favorite thing in their whole life, they might have to hesitate and think about it for a while, I know a few months ago I would have, but now I have mine- and she's hungry so I guess this love fest blog must come to an end.

Memories of Past

Even though I try

I cant’ let go

Something in your eyes

Captured my soul.

And every night I

Think of what I’ve done

If I had only known

You were the one.

And every time I look into the mirror

I see myself without you there

And my lonely heart sheds tears.

Together we used to be.

Until you said that you loved me

I pushed you away

And didn’t’ care

But now I return it

To a heart that no longer cares.

If I could turn back time

If I could find a way

I’d take back all the words

That would hurt you

And you’d stay.

If I could reach the stars

I’d give them all to you

And you’d love me

Like you used to.

You’re unforgettable and

Imprinted upon my heart

Just having you near

Takes me back to my memories of you

The touch of your lips

The smooth of your skin,

The smiles of pure joy,

The uncertainty of the unknown

Undone,

The firsts,

The lasts,

How good it felt to hold you,

The back of your car,

The poetry you once wrote,

Dreams and floorplans of the future,

Holding your hand in mine

The dances,

The overnighters

Movies,

And clifftop plateaus

The flowers you gave me,

The ones I didn’t’ take,

Hikes, and swims,

You holding me in the pool,

Working out,

And wrestling,

The breaking of tools,

The concerts,

The haircuts,

And everything in between,

Its hard to know just what you have,

Until its no longer there

And you’re left with memories,

And a bag full of his hair.

I’d give anything to have

You willingly mine,

Because its only a matter of time,

Until our childhood crumbles away.

Long forgotten playground days,

Another life,

Another time,

Another memory of what was once

You and I.

Slowly fading to the back of your mind,

Until one day,’

You are blind.

I must have lucky stars

I have decided that I must have lucky stars. My daughter has been nothing but a blessing from the moment I knew that she existed. I had a great pregnancy, no nausea, heartburn, no issues what-so-ever. I thought at the time that since my pregnancy was so easy and great that I would get mine when this baby arrived and kept me up all night with colic or whatever it might be. Wrong. Since the day she was born she has been a good sleeper. She began life sleeping in about 4 hour blocks throughout the night, waking only to eat. By about 2 weeks old she was sleeping about 6 hours at a time, waking only to feed. Now at 11weeks she is sleeping between 10-11 hours straight through the night. It kinda freaked me out at first, but now I am used to it and have enjoyed the uninterrupted sleep with my new baby. I almost feel guilty about it. I attend these new mom groups and breastfeeding groups and I hear all of these new moms and their complaints about their babies not eating right, or having acid reflux, or colic, or just not sleeping. I feel so bad for those moms. Their stories are much more of what I expected life to be with my first baby- but apparently I am just lucky. I like to think that Ryan and I had a part to play in how our baby behaves, but I'm sure I would be wrong. I am so blessed to have a happy, healthy baby.

Where am I going?

Sometimes I ask myself this question. I know my husband asks it of himself all the time. I graduated high school in 2000. I immediately began college at BSU. I told all of my friends, or rather preached to them that if they didn't attend college right away then they probably never would. I was a big pusher of education. I went for 4 years. Not full time all those years though, and it seemed the longer I was there, the less I cared. I went from taking a full load of classes, down to only 2 a semester, only one of which I would focus my attention on and pass. Needless to say after a few semesters of that, I lost my financial aid and consequently stopped attending. It has been 5 years since I stopped going to school. Every year we talk about me going back. I haven't done it yet mostly because I have to come up with the cash to get back in.... which is expensive and I can't afford. But now I have a daughter too. Ryan wants to go to either linemans college or helicopter school but he is our main breadwinner and cant afford not to work in order to go to school. I just wonder if we will ever figure out how to get one of us a degree of some sort so we will have a financial future for our family. The alternative looks like working the rest of our lives just to get by which is pretty bleak.